HAPPY NEW YEAR? – AT 8:24 A.M. ET:  This is, allegedly, the last day of 2013.  But wait.  What if you don't want it to be?  What if you like 2013?  As a service to our readers, I personally called the White House this morning, and received the following statement directly from the Oval Office:

1) If you like the current year, you can keep it.  President Obama has said that, and, like all pledges he makes, he intends to honor it.

2) If you don't wish to keep the current year, you can sign up for a new one; you don't have to accept 2014.  You can choose 2015 or go right to 2020.  All you have to do is visit the new website ChooseYourYear.gov, and make a choice.  Now, unfortunately, that website is down, but White House technicians should have it restored within a month. 

3) ChooseYourYear.gov does have minimum requirements.  In the year you choose you must have at least one abortion, and take a birth-control pill at least every other day.  That applies to all genders, as the plan is gender-neutral. 

4) You may choose a new calendar design, if you wish, for an extra charge; or, at no charge, you may select the calendar design with President Obama in 12 different vacation outfits.

COMMENT:  We're happy to provide you with that information, a demonstration of how Our Leader is fundamentally transforming America.  You may thank us profusely.

December 31,  2013